20 Books for Stress, Anxiety, and Overthinking

Imagine that the titles below are in my little free library. Photo by me.

A reading list of books to help overthinkers navigate life in an overstimulated world

In 2016 I created a recommended reading list for anxiety newbies in order to share the books that first helped me on my journey to understanding how stress, anxiety, and overthinking were affecting my life. I’ve been revisiting that list and updating it with some of the books year over year. My goal is to answer the question: Which books help people make sense of the feelings overtaking their nervous system? Which books help with physical and emotional pain? Let this list act as a place to start.

For understanding how anxiety works

1. The Worry Cure

I'm not a huge fan of the title, since I think the word worry is a big turn-off and confusing for a lot of overthinkers. But overlook that, cause this really is the book to start with. It lays a great foundation, especially for people who are just starting to get their head around the whole "I have anxiety" thing.

2. The Anxiety Sisters’ Survival Guide

Could there have been a more natural and intuitive connection than mine with the Anxiety Sisters? I don't think so. Abbe Greenberg and Maggie Sarachek have built an online community of 200K people and host a popular podcast called The Spin Cycle. In their work, they blend their personal experience with their professional training as counselors, mental health advocates, researchers, and educators. Their book is terrific. The down-to-earth, actionable advice that Abbe and Maggie share is dead on. Great work, sisters!

3. Unwinding Anxiety

In this book, Dr Brewer explores the ways in which we all create habits around our anxiety — and how to break them down and rebuild them in healthy ways.The book is great. The app is useful (though a big clunky and costs a pretty penny). You can get the gist from the book, though, at a lower cost.

4. Anxiety: The Missing Stage of Grief

Claire Bidwell Smith’s Anxiety: The Missing Stage of Grief was the first book that revealed to me that anxiety lives in the body autonomous from the mind, and can cause panic attacks hours or even a day after the feelings flood the system, causing a lack of connection between cause and effect. It expanded my sense of what anxiety is, and how the physical response appears in unexpected places…like while grieving.

For dealing with the muscle tension and physical pain that anxiety brings

5. The Pain Relief Secret

Sarah Warren’s book The Pain Relief Secret: How to Retrain Your Nervous System, Heal Your Body, and Overcome Chronic Pain has been a gamechanger for me. I bought this book in May 2023 and found it a bit hard to engage with at first, so I stopped reading it. It wasn't until I was so desperate to improve my hip and lower back pain that I tried it experimentally by signing up for Level One Clinical Somatics exercises online. Once I started doing the exercises, I became obsessed with the entire program and devoured the book.

The core concept is called "pandiculation" which at first glance seems like stretching but involves teaching your muscles to release tension. Sarah goes in-depth about why stretching can lead to tighter muscles and that alone is pretty interesting (if you find that kinda thing interesting). It takes about half an hour a day to start and now I do about an hour every morning. 

Sarah’s very clear step-by-step guidance provides not just the how but the why and a brain like mine needs that. Understanding more about how muscles actually work has really changed how I live in my body. To read more about how this book and Clinical Somatics is changing my life, check out this newsletter that I wrote about it.

6. Burnout

I heard about this book on a podcast and it was a happy surprise to learn that we share a literary agent! Burnout delves into how emotions can affect our bodies without us even knowing it’s happening. The book explores some of the core reasons women may be facing the kinds of symptoms I talk about so frequently, and then it works to systematically break the stress cycle down. I listened to the audiobook and found I got something out of every single chapter.

7. Women’s Guide to Managing Migraine

I’m including Susan Hutchinson’s Women’s Guide to Managing Migraine just in case it helps just one of you reading this post. As a lifelong migraine sufferer, I have never found a book on migraines that helped me understand how the hormone flood affects my migraine cycles. It’s also hormone waves that affect our bodies when we’re stressed. The key words to spot in this subtitle is “Understanding the Hormone Connection” — that is crucially important in both migraine and anxiety.

8. Break Through Pain

A good friend of mine named Molly had a painful medical issue a few years ago. “The pain was bad as labor,” she said. “And the only thing that helped me was Shinzen Young’s Break Through Pain.” I was so struck by the clarity of the experience she described and know that the next time I am facing physical discomfort I will be using the audio version of these meditations to help me. I think you should, too.

9. The Mindbody Prescription

I was handed Dr John Sarno’s Mindbody Prescription in my fated neurologist appointment where I first learned I has Generalized Anxiety Disorder (age 40). It was the first time I truly understand that the mind-body connection wasn’t theoretical, but real—and that I was experiencing it. Sarno digs into the personality traits of people who are susceptible to this kind of physical response to emotional pain. I wonder if you might recognize yourself in what he describes?

For understanding emotions

10. Permission to Feel

11. How Emotions are Made

When it comes to books on understanding what emotions really are, you can’t do better than these two. I’m biased when it comes to Marc Brackett’s Permission to Feel, as I am lucky enough to get to work with him on How We Feel. And Lisa Feldman Barrett’s How Emotions are Made changed the way I think about how emotions are processed. This is core, fundamental groundwork that will has helped me frame emotions in my life in a new way.

12. Unbroken: The Trauma Response Is Never Wrong

I have become a devotee of new-old kind of therapy called narrative healing. Around since the 1970s, it seems to be breaking through in a more popular way, now. It’s particularly effective with overthinkers like myself who are prone to editing our stories to suit our audiences. A great starting point MaryCatherine McDonald, Unbroken: The Trauma Response Is Never Wrong. The book radically altered  my understanding of the role of storytelling in my own healing. McDonald’s breakthrough insight: finding a “dwelling place” for traumatic experiences is critical to the functioning of our nervous system. In other words, two people may have identical difficult experiences as children, but only the one who lacks a trusted friend, parent, or teacher to help them “find a home” for their story will experience it as trauma.

For a mindful approach

13. Catching the Big Fish

I’m a sucker for David Lynch: his movies, his approach to meditation, and his creative process. I dip into this simple book regularly to reset. Tapping into creativity helps me deal with overthinking, stress, and anxiety. I recommend you try it.

14. It’s OK to feel things deeply

Carissa Potter’s lovely little book is a visual reminder that being sensitive is nothing to be ashamed of. I don’t think we can be told It’s OK to feel things deeply enough. Let this book try to do it for you as it has for me.

15. Wherever You Go, There You Are

The title alone: Wherever You Go, There You Are. I can’t tell you how many times, when considering a life change or move, I think of those words. This book is filled with principles about mindfulness, but I love the metaphors best. A great way to get out of your head.

For gaining bigger perspective

16. Man’s Search for Meaning

Victor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning brings me a sense of inner peace and human connection in a way very few do. If you feel you are at the end of your rope and unsure how to face daily life, this book is here for you.

17. Culture of Fear

My husband brought the Culture of Fear into our marriage. He has always been a staunch believer in using data to make sense of the things we fear. “If we really understood how statistics worked, we wouldn’t be afraid of airplanes at all and we’d take driving more seriously,” he says.

18. Soul without Shame

A colleague of mine at Pinterest recommended Soul without Shame, saying “I know it sounds cheesy, but I think this book is actually really good.” And she was right. Simply acknowledging the role of our soul in our life brought me peace. It might you, too. Give it a try.

For understanding the brain

19. My Stroke of Insight

I read Jill Bolte Taylor’s My Stroke of Insight many, many years ago and have never forgotten it. In this book, a brain scientist describes the stroke that affected her brain, thinking, and emotions. I still think “step to the right”—a phrase Taylor repeats frequently, describing the feelings of wellbeing that come from turning down the brain chatter of our left brains.

20. Atomic Habits

“But this book isn’t about anxiety at all,” you might be saying to yourself. But I’d argue that James Clear’s book Atomic Habits is a great book for people who are feeling anxiety in their bodies. It helped me understand how to spot and support healthy habit-building in myself, which in turn positively affects mental health. Think of it as a pillar of cognitive behavioral therapy: The more you can tune into the actions that make up your day, the easier it will be to start changing your feelings for the better.

Bonus book!

Please forgive me for putting my own book, Get Out Of My Head, on this list. But it is probably the book that has helped me deal with stress, anxiety, and overthinking the most. Putting my own experience into words has helped me make sense of it. I hope it helps you too.

Updated Feb 1, 2024

Be a part of my new book project!

Hello dear beautiful voyagers,

I’m embarking on my most ambitious writing project to date and I need your help! I’m looking for a wide range of perspectives from smart, skeptical people who have learned to let down their guards in order to experience mental/physical health breakthroughs. I want to help future overthinkers understand how their brains might be holding them back from healing. If you have any interest in sharing your insights, please answer the 4 questions below. Thank you for all you do to light the path for other voyagers, Meredith

Please answer these 4 questions about your breakdown experience

Three Quigong Techniques to Try Right Now

Editor’s note: Betty Lee reached out to me to share some of her favorite Qigong exercises. I happened to be angsty when I got her email and immediately tried the breathing and movement exercises and they did help!

Breathing exercise

Did you know Qi means “Breath of Life?”  Here’s a basic Qigong breathing technique that’s good for relieving stress.

1. Breathe in through your nose for 8 counts deeply from your diaphragm

2. Blow out through your lips for 8 counts. 

3. Do this 8 times, and you will feel calmer.

Movement exercise

Chow Qigong exercises balance your energy to boost your immune system — even 15 minutes can help you feel energized and positive! Hip rotation exercises massage all your inner organs. Here’s an 18-minute video of the 8 Brocades Qigong practice. These exercises can be done sitting down, if you are in a weakened condition. 

Here’s another version of movement exercises featuring Dr. Chow, a world renowned Qigong Grandmaster. (She rehabilitated herself from wheelchair to climb stairs using these exercises, when she was in a weakened condition at 88.)

Brushing Technique

The Chow Qigong Brushing is a unique technique that helps you brush away excess energy that can cause pain. 

1. Start by choosing a painful point on your arms or legs, e.g. for when you have a charley horse. You are going to brush away excess energy from that point.

2. Now put your hand 3 inches from that painful point and and sweep down firmly towards the ground. Do this a few times until you obtain relief quickly.  

3. Make sure not to brushing that energy back onto yourself or anyone else. 

4. For a painful point like a hip it may be more effective for another person to do it, because you are standing and the distance from painful area sweeping  firmly to the ground is longer.

Betty Lee was born in Hong Kong and is bilingual in Chinese and English.  She was certified as a Chow Qigong practitioner by Dr. Effie Chow.  She has helped maintain people's health for nearly 5 years in San Francisco and Reno.

Meet a Voyager: Richard Sison

Photo courtesy Fight Coop and Richard Sison.

I learned about Richard when he emailed to ask if he could share a piece about mental health and martial arts on Bevoya.com. At first, I assumed that he was like so many people who write me — looking for a linkback. (Link backs are the currency of SEO rankings, which means if my site links to another site, it can appear higher in Google results). What I found, though, is that Richard was sincere in his desire to write about his own past experiences with anxiety. I love how he describes it in this interview as a “weird feeling” that he treated for years only with martial arts. Or how it can be difficult to fear being judged when practicing martial arts.

If you’ve been thinking about giving martial arts a try, and you’re hoping it might help with your own mental health, read on to learn more about how one expert in the field thinks about the connection.

Q: Can you tell us about your background — where did you grow up? What was your family like? 

I had the privilege of growing up in the Canadian city of Vancouver, known for its mountains and oceans. It was a place where the scent of ocean breeze mingled with the vibrant energy of a diverse and welcoming community.

My family shaped my journey within this nurturing environment, especially regarding my deep-rooted love for martial arts. I was blessed to be part of a close-knit family consisting of my loving parents and two amazing sisters.

My father, an engineer, always had a knack for problem-solving and instilled in me a thirst for knowledge and continuous improvement. His unwavering support and belief in my abilities became a guiding light throughout my martial arts journey. He often shared stories of perseverance and determination from his life experiences, inspiring him during moments of doubt.

My mother, a dedicated nurse, possessed an unparalleled nurturing spirit. She taught me the importance of compassion on and off the training mat. Her gentle encouragement and genuine interest in my martial arts pursuits helped foster a sense of empathy and humility within me.

Growing up with my two sisters was a constant source of joy and companionship. We embarked on countless adventures together, playing countless games and adventures in the nearby park. Their presence in my life brought an element of camaraderie and mutual support that further fueled my passion for martial arts.

The community in Vancouver itself played a significant role in my upbringing. It was a melting pot of cultures and ideas. I encountered individuals from diverse backgrounds with unique stories and perspectives. This rich tapestry of humanity fostered a sense of acceptance and inclusivity, providing the perfect backdrop for my martial arts journey.

Q: What do you think first drew you to martial arts? Was there a mental health component to the appeal (whether you realized it or not)? 

The allure of martial arts was undeniable when I discovered it as a young and curious teenager. A combination of factors instantly captivated my attention and sparked an unquenchable curiosity. The discipline, focus, and sheer power of martial arts resonated deeply with my spirit.

The intensity and precision of the movements were like a magnet, pulling me toward this captivating world. I was fascinated by the physical and mental challenges of martial arts. The artistry and skill displayed by practitioners ignited a fire within me, urging me to embark on my journey of self-discovery through martial arts.

Like many others, I struggled with maintaining concentration at school as a young boy. However, the discipline instilled by martial arts seeped into various aspects of my life, including my academic pursuits. I discovered that the mental focus and discipline honed through martial arts training translated into improved performance in the classroom. It became a valuable tool for channeling my energy and maintaining a sharp focus on my studies. 

Q: How would you describe your own mental health journey? 

My mental health journey has been winding, filled with triumphs and challenges. Anxiety has been a constant companion, creating hurdles demanding resilience and strength. However, martial arts have been a guiding light, illuminating the way forward and empowering me with the mental fortitude to navigate even the darkest times.

As far as I can remember, I’ve experienced feelings of anxiety. The feeling of something wrong, but I can’t quite put a finger on it. It started at an early age, as mentioned, during grade school, not being able to concentrate. It grew as I got older, and I thought maybe I was just sensitive. I would take criticism worse than others or overthink situations in my head countless times after they happened.

Martial arts and exercise have always made these feelings easier to manage. It wasn’t until I turned 19 that my mental health journey reached a climax when my dad died from cancer. Being young and equipped with stoicism learned from martial arts, I dug my feet in and didn’t allow myself to feel pain. At the time, I viewed this as a weakness to overcome.

Doing so didn’t allow me to grieve my loss and hurt many relationships around me. I became irritable and harsh with friends and family. I blamed everyone and everything for my circumstances while wearing a “tough guy” mask and not accepting responsibility for my situation.

It wasn’t until 25 that I decided to seek professional support. My sensei at my Jiu-Jitsu gym guided me to not view mental health as an embarrassment or weakness. Something he said to me stuck with me: “You would go to the dentist for a toothache, so why not go to a counselor for a heartache?”

Fifteen years later and I still attend counseling regularly. Even if I’m not being rocked by life’s undulating waves, it’s beneficial to have a professional ask probing questions and help me understand behaviors and thoughts.

My mental health journey will continue for the rest of my time here. There will be difficulties, but I’ve changed my opinion as I’ve grown older. First off, it’s not shameful to feel depressed or anxious. And more importantly, I strive to teach young men and women not to bottle up how they feel. If you feel like crying, do it. If you feel like yelling, do it. Just feel your emotions and be kind to yourself.

Q: Do you think martial arts help with anxiety, and if so, how? 

After my father passed away at 19, a little “weird feeling” within me grew. My anxiety was left untreated for years and grew silently. Martial arts kept it in check. However, alongside guidance from a mental health professional, this became the “one-two punch” to manage anxiety. I know that the days I practice martial arts are much brighter than those I don’t. This is why I decided to dedicate my life to becoming a teacher. 

However, deciding to try martial arts can be a terrifying experience. Are people judging me? Can I do this? Will I get hurt? These are some of the questions that permeate.

In the beginning, stepping into the martial arts studio was a daunting experience. I was surrounded by unfamiliar faces, my heart pounding, and my mind consumed by self-doubt. However, the supportive and inclusive nature of the martial arts community began to break down the walls of my social anxiety. Fellow practitioners welcomed me with open arms, creating an environment where I felt safe to express myself without judgment.

As I continued training, I realized that martial arts offered a unique blend of physical exercise and mental discipline. The structured and intense workouts pushed me to my limits, demanding a complete focus on precise movements and techniques. Through this process, I discovered that martial arts required me to be fully present now, effectively shifting my attention away from my anxieties and onto the task at hand.

Q: Where do you recommend someone start with martial arts? Example: me. Where should I start?

Martial arts offer several styles, each with unique characteristics and techniques. Research and explore several types to find the one that resonates most with you. I recommend Jiu-Jitsu as a great starting point. You receive the numerous benefits of physical struggle. Still, the risk of injury is much lower because of the lack of striking.

Think about what you hope to achieve through martial arts. Are you interested in self-defense, physical fitness, competition, or personal development? Understanding your goals will help you choose a martial art style and training environment that aligns with your aspirations. Consider factors such as the intensity of training, focus on technique or physical conditioning, and the overall philosophy of martial art.

Take the time to visit different martial arts schools or clubs in your area. Observe classes, speak with instructors, and get a feel for the training environment. Pay attention to factors like the instructor's teaching style, the atmosphere, and professionalism. Finding a school that provides a supportive and inclusive environment where you feel comfortable and motivated to learn is essential.

Many martial arts schools offer beginner-friendly programs or introductory classes designed for newcomers. These classes usually provide a gentle introduction to martial art's basic techniques and concepts, allowing you to build your skills and confidence gradually. Participating in these programs can be a fantastic way to start your martial arts journey and assess if it fits you.

How do I join the Beautiful Voyager community?

Photo by John Schnobrich

I received a great question yesterday via email to Beautiful Voyager:

How do I join the online community Beautiful Voyager without dealing with Facebook and social media? Both overwhelmed me and irritated me to no end.

(It’s a great question. Is it possible to build online community without social media?)

The email went on: I purchased your book Get Out of My Head and you can read my take on it on my Amazon review. Paradigm changing. So of course...I want more of anything that calms me down.

(The words “paradigm changing” filled my heart with joy. Even better was knowing that my book helped someone feel grounded and calm. I think this voyager is smart and intuitive for tuning into their nervous system and knowing what works for them.)

Thank you for the deliberate design and details and intentional creation of this book. You are an anxious overthinker in the best sense of the word. If that makes any sense. It leads you to pay attention to every detail. Again thank you. I hope I can find ways to connect.

(This is why voyagers need voyagers! We get each other.)

I wrote back and shared three ways to get more involved in the Beautiful Voyager community, all for free. I thought it might be good information to share with all of you, too. Which is why you’re reading this now.

Photo by Luuk Wouters

Here are a three ways to join the community: 

1. Let me know where you want to put a lighthouse on this map (totally free). All I need is the location and the name of your lighthouse. If you'd like to send a message in a bottle out into the world, you just send me that as well! You will see how those messages in bottles work by clicking around the map.

2. I don't know if you've heard of Slack, but there is a Beautiful Voyager Slack community that you can join for free simply by clicking this link.

3. There is a series of "Meet a Voyager" here on Substack. Subscribe to the newsletter or respond to the chat prompts. It's where I share stuff I’m reading that I find interesting and thought-provoking. 

Beyond that, I would recommend the free emotion-tracking app called How We Feel. It’s not an online community, but it is an incredible way to find a shared language with others (and connect in an authentic way with the people you love). I’ve been lucky enough to work on this project for the past three years.

What about you, reader? How do you create community beyond social media? How do you find things that calm you down?

I’d love to hear about it — comment here or join the community :)

How Do I Fix Anxiety Quickly?

This piece was first published in 2016, so a lot of the “people are asking me” framing is because I had just started talking about mental health publicly. I am surfacing it again now, in 2023, because I am still asked “How do I fix anxiety quickly?” regularly, and hearing people share their own tale of the wave seems more important than ever.

A few days ago I got a call from a friend I've known for years. A magazine writer who frequently travels on assignment, he's a busy guy.  It wasn't unusual that I hadn't spoken with him in over a month. But as soon as I heard his voice, I knew he wanted to talk about something. I just couldn't tell what it was until he stopped his gentle beating around the bush.

"Remember when you told me you had anxiety?" he asked, peering around the hedge.

"AH! You're calling about anxiety! Gotcha. Yes, absolutely, here with you now," I said, ready to have the kind of call I've been having with increasing frequency in the past six months.

Felix Unger, half of The Odd Couple. Nothing like my friend, but since most of us with anxiety have perfectionist Tendencies, there likely are some similarities underneath.

Let's call this friend Felix. Now that we both knew why we were there, Felix came out with it.

"I have a beautiful wife and child. I have the job I've worked my whole career to achieve and get to travel around the world doing what I love to do. And yet...something's wrong. I can't feel things all the way. I don't sleep well...I think I might have anxiety too."

I asked the question I always ask: "Have you had any physical symptoms?" I explained: "For me, this was migraines, nausea, and crazy strong neck and shoulder pain. Do you have anything like that?"

He said, "I've had a knot in my throat for as long as I can remember, and my stomach feels like it's being punched all the time."

With those words, I knew that my friend was arriving at the same place I had in the middle of 2015. Hello, fellow beautiful voyager. 

Since Felix didn't know anything about my project for overthinkers, I gave him the rundown of Tell Tale Signs of an Overthinker to gauge his reaction: 

People who think deeply about the world around them. Often researchers, they're always looking for the answers. Perhaps their friends and family have said to them "you think too much" ever since they were little kids. They're sensitive and aware of the suffering of others. At times they obsessively want to "figure it all out," neglecting their other priorities.

Felix: "This is frighteningly accurate." 

He then asked the same questions that nearly everyone does in this situation: "How can I fix this? Can the fix happen quickly?" 

I'm starting to be asked these questions frequently enough that I'm forming a consistent response to them. My answer isn't super simple, but neither is anxiety. My response comes in 3 basic chunks of information. I elaborate depending on time and bandwidth of the person I'm speaking with.

Chunk #1: My timeline and my first steps

I describe being diagnosed by a neurologist with Generalized Anxiety, and then going to UCSF's Gateway office for a comprehensive diagnosis. Before working on The Beautiful Voyager, I used to tell people that what worked for me in terms of GAD (realizing that anxiety is a spectrum and not everyone with anxiety has GAD) was medication, meditation, and communication.

Chunk #2: The unique thumbprint

Over time and through working on this project, I've come to realize how truly varied the spectrum of anxiety is. Everyone's anxiety is different. What works for me won't work for Felix. But hearing stories of how others have approached and integrated anxiety into their lives will help Felix start to see how it can work in his. I tell Felix that reading books to introduce new concepts like cognitive distortions, cognitive behavioral therapy, or relaxation techniques are useful places to start. I now think of all of these things—therapy, medication, mindfulness, relaxation techniques and other grounding tactics—as being potential parts of a toolkit someone like Felix could use. Everyone needs a toolkit.

I say to Felix: To start building your anxiety toolkit, you have to know you're not feeling good. Then you have to be able to recognize feeling better when it happens, slowly at first, in glimmers and shimmers.

Chunk #3: Riding the wave

The last thing I talk about is the wave. I don't want to overwhelm Felix with information, but the wave is so crucial that it has to be mentioned.

I describe surfing anxiety's wave to Felix. (The wave is the hormone rush that we're filled with as we face the things that scare us.) I tell him that now, for the first time in my life, I know when the wave is coming, and I know how to breathe deeply when facing it. It doesn't mean I don't ever wipe out.

I end by sharing my hard won mantra: when you're surfing the wave, it's all about process, not outcome. If you want to understand our lives as beautiful voyagers, that is the truest thing I can tell you.

---

I Was Fired From 3 Startups in One Year

Photo taken in 2015, my year of sorrow and collapse

2015 was a rough year for me.

I didn't start it thinking I’d be repeatedly hurling myself against a wall, but that's what ended up happening. I banged myself into new shapes and watched parts fall out along the way. The whole time, I kept thinking, Silicon Valley embraces failure, right?

I heard these words a lot. It was repeated so often that it was a cliché. As I looked deeper, though, and I found that the people talking publicly and glowingly about failures were often company founders looking back from the comfort of success. I realized soon enough rejection was a much less popular topic.

Rejection, the dirty little not-so-secret.

But that's why I'm writing about rejection. It's something we will all face in our lives, and after losing three startup jobs in one year, I'm an expert. The overlooked topic now fits me like a strange, mismatched glove.

I never thought I'd have three different full-time, permanent jobs in one year. Losing those jobs was tough on me and my family in ways that make “failure is good” seem like the reductive homily on a greeting card I’d happily shred, and strongly affected my mental health. 

I want to share what I learned from rejection in 2015. It was a year that showed me startups at their best — what amazing potential for growth — and their worst, where employees are barely given a first chance to succeed, much less a second, due to the focus on the short-term.

When I began 2015, I'd been at large media companies for over a decade. I felt stale and ready to tackle a new set of problems.

Startup #1

If startups were people, Startup #1 was the cool kid with great design sense who promised you everything would be better. You know, the one who talks about his fixie and goes to the new bar before it officially opens. I was the oldest person at Startup #1 and by far the least cool, but I knew the SF food and media scene. Everyone was nice to me despite my slow adaptation to Slack giphy banter.

We were a small team — seven guys plus me in a co-working space in the Tenderloin District. We released our first app in October 2014. It was meant to be first in a series of apps, but January arrived and there were still no plans for app #2. More importantly, there was no second round of funding. My job, and the fate of the company, felt extremely tenuous. When I got the “you around?” on Slack first thing Monday morning, January 5th, I knew what was coming. I headed to Showdogs, a Tenderloin hot dog restaurant, braced to have an uncomfortable good-bye conversation with the two co-founders, who were facing the prospect of repeating the same awkward conversation over and over that day.

Startup #1 Takeaway

Just because the whole company was disappearing, it still felt personal. Despite knowing that it had nothing to do with me, for the next couple weeks I found myself listening to breakup songs and moping around the house.

Startup #2

Two months later, I joined Startup #2, which had everything going for it — an experienced team, a strong mission, and ample funding with good prospects for more. “Could be a great new relationship for me,” I thought. Startup #2 was a cool kid who had grown up and stashed his skateboard in the garage but still had lots of energy, with lots of ideas and the experience to make them happen.

This startup had some money and knew how to spend it. It would pay for meals, laundry, and even housecleaning so I’d have less to worry about (which of course means more ability to focus on work). Initially, our office was a small repurposed apartment in the Castro. It was so small that to have phone conversations without disturbing each other, we made muffled calls from the coat closet. But soon enough we moved to a nice big office down the street.

Startup #2 was promising, but as with most relationships, things got more complicated as time went on. Five months in, Startup #2 decided I wasn’t who it thought I was at the beginning, and I was let go on July 3 — not the kind of independence I was hoping to celebrate that week.

Startup #2 takeaway 

Startups grow quickly, and they change quickly. I still don’t exactly understand why it was that I was fired. But I did understand that when my boss said, “You don’t seem happy,” he was right. A week after I was fired, I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder by a neurologist I went to for migraine treatment. It was an easy diagnosis for her, she said, because in her practice she sees many tech professionals (anxiety turns out to be a surprisingly common affliction in the tech industry, as well as in other high-risk, high-reward professions). Figuring out I was experiencing anxiety took me 39 years. The enormity of the discovery softened the blow of my professional rejection, though it still aches like an old war wound some nights.

Startup #3

I met Startup #3 in late September through a mutual friend. Small, deeply customer-focused, and (gasp!) profitable from the start, Startup #3 seemed like an anomaly in Silicon Valley (in a good way).

“This one really is different,” I said to myself.

Aunt Verna Mae in Kansas, literally.

I’d describe Startup #3 as self-made and down-to-earth. Startup #3 was (and is) genuinely committed to building tools that users need and want, even if the tools aren’t sexy. For example, Startup #3 cares about making your Aunt Verna Mae in Kansas feel comfortable, even though it’s her first time on this newfangled internet.

Our first month together was great — or so I thought. Then I got my very first feedback: a sheet of paper detailing misunderstandings and shortcomings. It took a few more weeks for Startup #3 to figure out that it didn’t quite know what it was looking for when it hired me, but now it did: someone with a few traits that I just don’t have.

Final Takeaway

The worst experience — being fired two weeks before Christmas and after only two and a half months on the job — led to the best takeaway (third time’s the charm!). I didn’t take it personally this time. It wasn’t a fit for either of us. Rather than carry the awkwardness of the moment, I took the opportunity to ask the founder detailed questions about my performance. Her answers helped me feel like I really understood the reasons behind the poor fit. That left me free of the nagging doubt I’d had after the prior two jobs, the constant speculation of “What if I had…” or “Why…?”, which can keep a person up at night.

What I Learned From These Startups

• Losing a job isn’t necessarily a failure, nor a cause for embarrassment.

• I learned a lot about the people around me by how they reacted to my rejection.

• I’m married to the right person; not everyone could handle what I’ve been through. At every step he’s given me perspective and made my experience better.

• The ability to depersonalize rejection — even when it is personal — is a super power I’ve been granted by my year of startups.

The risk of startups isn’t just whether they succeed or fail. Just as risky, for people working there, is that your value is dependent upon the whim of a very small group of people, and often just one. They hire quickly; they can tire quickly; they fire quickly. It may seem cruel, and sometimes it is, but there’s a coldly rational reason for it. Tech is a cutthroat industry where getting to market and getting funding is crucial. This puts a lot of stress on founders, who then may make rash decisions as a result.

Under pressure, some coal turns into diamonds, but a lot of it just turns to dust.

Does everyone who goes through this volatile world come out more resilient? We’ll know when the rejection of workers is seen as being as sexy as the failure of CEO’s.

If failure helps a person learn, then perhaps dealing with rejection helped me become braver.

I don’t relish my head’s recent intimacy with the wall. But I’m still intact. I’m less scared about work than I’ve ever been. I’m not even scared about having you read this, and having my name right next to the word REJECTION. Considering how banged up I am, that’s saying a lot.

Originally published Dec 28, 2015 // Last edited Jan 19, 2023

I Love This App: Loóna

An act of love: the making of a new Loóna dreamscape

As someone who works in both technology and mental health, I get emails about new apps. A lot of emails. Like 5-10 a week. For the most part, I scan through the press releases and just keep moving. “Nothing new here",” I often think to myself.

A few months ago, one of those emails caught my eye. Was it the mention of the 2021 Apple Design Award that did it? Yes, and…Loóna felt different from the get-go. Even though I was offered a free trial of the app, I actually paid my own hard, cold cash for Loóna. I can’t exactly even articulate why I did that, except to say that I felt the experience deserved to be paid for. It felt like art.

Loóna is a creative inspiring experience that feels connected to the tactile world.

At heart, Loóna is an immersive, 3-D storytelling experience that brings sound, color, light, and texture to life. My busy overthinky brain is drawn to experiences that feel both soothing and engaging, and weirdly, there isn’t too much that fits the bill (I play way too much TwoDots already). The way it works: You are brought into a “dreamscape” which you slowly bring to life by adding color and light with your clicks as you listen to a story unfold. The audio work is impeccable, as is the storytelling. Everything is thoughtful.

I was lucky enough to get to meet a couple of members of the Loóna team (originally based in Warsaw but also distributed) and confirmed my suspicions — this is an unusually dedicated group who spends hundreds of hours crafting each experience. I asked them if I could do a little profile on how they work. What follows is their answers to my questions about their process.

BEVOYA: Where do you find the inspiration for a new Loóna escape?

LOÓNA: Our escapes combine an interactive visual experience with a relaxing story, so the idea for a new escape can come from the artists as well as from the writers. All of us are inspired by different things—books, movies, video games, Pinterest boards, our personal experiences.

Once in a while the content team sits down for a brainstorming session where we present and discuss our ideas to draw up a shortlist. They can be nostalgic, like someone's favorite food truck, or something fantastical, like the throne room of the Fall Fairy. Everyone contributes to the shortlist with their expertise, so you could also say we inspire each other as we go.

The team hard at work in Warsaw

BEVOYA: How long does the whole process of making an escape take, start to finish?

LOÓNA: It can take anywhere from 4 to 8 months for the full cycle from the brainstorming session to a ready-for-release escape, complete with narration, visual effects, and original music. The time frame depends on the complexity of the task.

Bringing the sketches to life.

A good example here is "Shoot for the Moon", the escape inspired by Katherine Johnson, a famous American mathematician and the first black female engineer at NASA. To honor her life's story, careful research was required from our artists, sound designers, and writers alike.

Coming to life

This is where audio magic happens.

BEVOYA: Are some of the escapes more popular than others? Can you tell what traits make the popular ones?

LOÓNA: We know for a fact that every escape in our library is someone’s favorite. Each Loónarian—as our users like to call themselves—has a top 3 or top 5 of stories that resonate with them deeply for a specific reason.

At the same time, there are a few all-time hits that seem to work for everyone, such as "Heartwarming Brooklyn", "The Lily Harbour", and "Dreams we have as children". In our experience, the most popular stories are those that contain nostalgic settings, beautiful nature, fantasy elements, and, of course, cute and fluffy creatures!

BEVOYA: Have you thought about expanding the use case of escapes from sleep into other areas -- like emotional regulation for example?

LOÓNA: Certainly. That’s how the idea of Loóna Shorts came into play. These are 5-minute interactive sessions with narratives based on conceptual metaphor theory. Unlike full-length escapes, whose main goal is to distract the user from negative thoughts and help them fall asleep, Shorts gently encourage the user to face the issue and engage with it for a limited amount of time.
We have received a lot of feedback from Loónarians about the Shorts helping them with anxiety, low self-esteem, panic attacks, and yes, emotional regulation.

BEVOYA: What's the hardest stage of making the escape?

LOÓNA: I'd say the hardest part of the process is to decide which parts of the concept will make it into production and which parts we'll have to drop because of the technical limitations on user devices or the production schedule. When we brainstorm we let our imagination run wild, but at the end of the day, we want our product to be accessible and helpful to as many people as possible.

BEVOYA: Thank you for spending time with me and for making such a beautiful app, Loóna!